2022 #3: The Arrival of Shockwave!
Upper left corner: 3, Feb. '95
Top center: 2022
Top right: 50 cents, SA logo
Lower right, sound effect: BOOM
Lower right, title: The Arrival of Shockwave!
Analysis:
BEHOLD THE GLORIOUS NEWCOMER. In case you weren't aware, Shockwave, even though he made even fewer appearances in the previous issues than Isil, is apparently secretly the most important character ever. He's so powerful that, even when standing perfectly still, energy just flies from his hands and automatically catches one bog person in some sort of red energy tornado and creates a storm cloud that shoots down a lightning bolt that incinerates two others.
Behold him in all his glory--the black catsuit underneath red boots, shoulder pads, and what appears to be a red V-shaped shoulder-to-crotch-to-shoulder deal that was clearly inspired by Pryde of the X-Men-era Nightcrawler's costume. Also, spiky hair, a headband, and some sort of amulet that's as small and subtle as something Flavor Flav would wear.
The bog people have no choice but to be immolated by his sheer overwhelming glory. Scratch can only look on helplessly, anguished, as this chosen one effortlessly takes out his army. Even the good guys look upset; Lavor ready to throw a piece of himself at something while Cybre grimaces in sheer rage, as they are faced with the inevitable fact that God himself now walks among them, thus making their services automatically obsolete. At least Lavor got a slight art upgrade in that I apparently started bothering to draw his half-melted look again after all, rather than leaving him as a red Tarian without the grid. Still, this is only minor consolation in the face of such an overhwelming and unstoppable spotlight thief.
Both issues before this one have had complete lies on their cover. Will this one finally break the trend? Are we looking at the first-ever non-misleading 2022 cover? Nah; Shockwave's only actual contribution to this issue is losing and fucking everything up, though he does do so while still remaining the most important character ever.
Scratch: I'm in a good mood today!
Analysis:
This is apparently Scratch's non-spiky non-evil form, which he apparently has.
Scratch: For years I've been searching for all 3 crystals to give me infinite power!
Analysis:
Psst... I think they're on your shoulder.
Yes, Scratch has been searching for all three crystals to give him infinite power. For years. This is by no means absolutely out of nowhere; it was explicitly mentioned and foreshadowed before in the previous issue where he oh who the hell am I kidding.
Ladies and gentlemen, please accept my sincerest apologies for what you are about to see in the next few panels.
Panel 1, Scratch: I finally got them all, but I couldn't combine them!
Panel 1, crystals: Wisdom, Courage, Strength
Panel 2, Scratch: Until now....
Analysis:
Wisdom, Courage, Strength. You people didn't believe me when I said I just blatantly ripped off whatever I was into at the time for this comic, but here you have it: Scratch is about to call down the God damned Triforce on our heroes. Look, you can even see it below the crystals (which look suspiciously like orbs) in the first panel.
In retrospect, I am not 100% sure why Wisdom is denoted as a star, Courage as a heart, and Strength as two swirly lines.
Scratch: Now I know that the Amulet of Xorg is needed... and that my brother Shockwave has it... and that he is planning to get the crystals back!
Analysis:
Well, at least it isn't the Amulet of Yendor.
Oh, you knew that Scratch had a brother, right? Of course; he mentioned it right around when he brought up how long he's been searching for all three crystals to grant him infinite power.
Panel 1, caption: Meanwhile....
Panel 1, sound effect: Whoosh!
Panel 2, Shockwave: If Scratch has the amulet, he can combine the 3 crystals! I can't let that happen!
Analysis:
"I'd better fly directly towards him while blatantly showing off the amulet over my costume, just in case. I don't see how that could possibly backfire."
Shockwave: If the 3 crystals are combined, the Powerball is summoned! The Powerball obeys whoever calls it!
Analysis:
Oh, okay, it's a Triforce inside of another Triforce, so it's clearly different.
Wait. "Powerball?"
Shockwave: The Powerball is super powerful! If it falls into my brother's hands, the world is his! We'll all be destroyed! I can't let that happen!
Analysis:
"If the Powerball falls into Scratch's hands, he'll choose the annuity option over the lump sum, and he won't even share any of it with me! I can't let that happen!"
Note how tirelessly dedicated I was to the artwork in this panel, by the way.
Panel 1, Scratch: The world will be mine! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Panel 2, Scratch: Ahh, apparently my brother Shockwave's ship is flying this way!
Panel 3, Scratch: I will have the amulet!
Analysis:
Scratch activates spiky evil mode and...wait, isn't he supposed to have back spikes? Well, either way, he senses that his brother, Shockwave, who is his brother, is flying this way. Did I mention Scratch and Shockwave are brothers? Anyway, Scratch decides that the best way to get the amulet from his brother, Shockwave, to whom is he is related in the sense that they are brothers, is to vaporize his ship while it's still in the air and really far away.
Panel 1, sound effect: Boom!
Panel 2, sound effects: Whooshhhh!, Ka-boom!
Panel 2, Shockwave: I've been hit!
Panel 3, sound effect: Vshooom
Panel 4, sound effect: Boom!
Analysis:
"The redness of my costume is losing power!"
Shockwave's ship explodes on impact, Scratch recovers the amulet later when sifting through the wreckage, his use of the Triforce makes him immortal, and the world is doomed, all because Shockwave is a moron. The end. Oh, if only....
Sound effect: Vvvvvvvvvv
Analysis:
Feel the dramatic tension as Shockwave struggles to control his ship as it slowly falls lower and...wait, didn't it plunge like a rock, impact, and explode in the last panel, complete with audible (and written) boom? Also, exactly what mechanical component in this or any world goes "Vvvvvvvvvv" when critically damaged?
Shockwave: Magic amulet, protect me!
Analysis:
"Magic amulet, make my outfit green, thus protecting me from all black- and red-based crash impact damage!"
Sound effects: Pish, Rumble rumble
Analysis:
And thus, Shockwave's ship crashes again. You may be asking yourself exactly what kind of ship goes "pish" when it crashes into solid ground. Personally, I'm envisioning that sound from the SNES version of Star Fox. Knowing how blatantly I rip off video games in this comic, odds are at least semi-decent that that's exactly what it's supposed to be.
Sound effects: Fssssssss, Chirp chirp
Shockwave: It worked! It protected me... the amulet prote....
Analysis:
Shockwave is suddenly stunned beyond belief that his invocation actually worked. Was he not aware it was going to? Did he just shout "magic amulet, protect me" with no idea whether or not it actually would, just hoping against hope that that was an actual spell?
Panel 1, sound effect: Bzzt!
Panel 1, Shockwave: Gaaah!
Panel 2, sound effect: Swish
Panel 3, Shockwave: The amulet!
Panel 4, sound effect: Snatch!
Panel 5, sound effect: Wrrrr
Panel 5, Scratch: The amulet!
Panel 6, sound effect: Poof!
Panel 6, Scratch: Bye!
Analysis:
OH MY GOD, WHO COULD HAVE SEEN THAT ONE COMING? Good job, Shockwave. You truly deserve to be the most important character in this comic.
So wait, now Scratch has the green clothing of protection from crash-landing, including his evil glowy eye?
Panel 3, Powerball: Make your wish now, and it will be granted.
Panel 3, Scratch: I wish the world to be mine!
Analysis:
So we're just completely disregarding the fact that Scratch ever had back spikes, even though it was on the cover of this issue, right?
Anyway, Scratch uses the amulet to combine the orb-like crystals and summon the Powerball in a magic sequence that looks slightly less heterosexual with every passing panel, until it finally ends with the Triforce-within-a-Triforce delivering a Royal Rainbow as it grants Scratch's wish to be the prettiest girl at the prom.
Scratch: Ahh... yesss... I CAN FEEL THE POWER!!!
Analysis:
Oh, no! Don't you see what's happening? Scratch now has black pants and a brown shirt! That's even more powerful than the green outfit! We're all going to die!!
Panel 1, Shockwave: Oh, no... just as I feared... he's called the Powerball and is gaining power!
Panel 2, sound effect: Klump!
Panel 3, Shockwave: If my studies are correct, right around here is the secret base of Cybre, Lavor, and Tarian. They'll help me!
Analysis:
I want to know what Shockwave studied that told him where their secret base is. If he just looked it up on Wikipedia or something, then it wouldn't really be much of a secret. I'd also like to know what those three did that makes them famous enough to have the location of their base a matter of public record. Last I checked, their most notable achievements were to make a fight with Raroa sort of retroactively disappear and to have Cybre lose to Scratch a lot.
Anyway, behold the poorly-drawn attempt at conveying that Shockwave is jogging toward the camera.
Computer: SOS from human outside door.
Cybre: Let him in!
Analysis:
Oh, hey, it's Cybre, Lavor, and Tarian! I forgot they were in this comic. Apparently enough so that I forgot to color in Cybre and Tarian.
Anyway, aside from not clearly not caring that Scratch is on the loose despite Cybre's getting his ass kicked by him (apparently it takes longer than I thought to rest and regain one's strength,) they appear to just be sitting there, waiting, watching the computer, just in case anyone ever shows up outside their secret base. Note how excited Cybre sounds to let him in. They live the life of Jon Arbuckle, except that there are three of them.
Shockwave: You gotta help me!
Caption: To be continued....
Analysis:
I suddenly felt like I just didn't want to do this issue anymore, so I barfed out a cliffhanger ending. I drew one gigantic panel to encompass the rest of the page I was on, attempting to pass it off as a super-detailed single panel that conveys the weighty seriousness of the moment through its detail, although it obviously isn't even remotely detailed. I even felt that throwing in a ghostly superimposed image of Scratch's face and that symbol on the amulet was an acceptable substitute for having to color or even add basic detail to the giant background. Man, their base is depressing. Also, the door changed shape again and is apparently unconnected to the wall, and the team somehow teleported back about twenty feet from the computer.
Sadly, this does get continued. Raroa's entire team may have just disappeared mysteriously, and Cybre may have received a costume upgrade and a loss to Scratch without anyone mentioning either ever again, but as soon as the Triforce-in-a-Triforce-that's-named-Powerball is involved, suddenly now we have to see this story through to the bitter end. Sigh.
Next issue: The team embarks on a four elements-style quest right out of an 8-bit RPG plot, with help from a lame new gimmick!
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